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Auld Wit - Jimmy’s 30 Best (or Worst?) Sayings!What better way to celebrate 30 years of Nomads than by collating and cataloguing some of the wit and wisdom of one of its founding members, the indomitable Jimmy Auld! Below (in no particular order) are some of his classic put-downs and witticisms for you to enjoy. No. 1 - ‘He's like a tractor on a motorway,’ A reference to Mark Middleton in the ‘slower’ lane at Uni training. Pretty apt it has to be said (sorry Mark!) No. 2 - To Iain, on the occasion of him finding the ‘fast skin’ leggings so effective – ‘They must be keeping your flabby legs afloat.’ I suppose anyone’s legs are flabby compared to Jimmy’s! No. 3 - To Kenny Graham, notorious lazy git – ‘Look who it is, Kenny ‘I’m a Lazy B*****d’ Graham.’ No. 4 - First words to Mary Bogle (neé McLeod) when she re-appeared at Knightswood training after a 6-year absence. ‘McLeod, where in hell have you been?’ As Mary said, it was like she’d been missing for a couple of sessions – not a large chunk of her adult life. No. 5 - ‘He’s like a stick insect drowning’ – an apt description of Keith Scott thrashing around whilst caught up in the lane rope at Scotstoun. At least he refrained from calling him a ginger stick insect drowning. No. 6 - A very un-PC remark to one of Nomads teenage girls during the 80s – ‘Don’t be such a spastic.’ No. 7 – To Gregor - ‘A dead monkey can swim faster than you.’ Of course, monkeys are renowned for their swimming skills when alive (not!) I wonder if a dead monkey floats? Maybe Jimmy was remembering that Gregor is in the ‘hairy relay’. No. 8 - A New Year’s comment which cut Dr Nick to the core and has left him traumatised forever, ‘Oi, pieman, your new year's resolution should be to get an ab, I'm not asking for a pair, just one.’ (So anyone, has he managed it??) No. 9 - ‘Hello Dick Brain,’ – regular comment to Gillian, - no particular special occasion required! No. 10 - ‘You’re a shower of useless morons,’ – favoured motivational words to the Nomads team in general. No. 11 – To Bobby (at the top of his voice and within easy earshot of lane 3). ‘I doubt anyone in lane three is remotely competent but just pick one of them and get them to move up.’ No. 12 - ‘Don’t talk to her – you’ll get the same brain disease!’ To Paul Tyler when caught talking to Gillian. No. 13 - ‘Forget the stop-watch Bobby – better get out the calendar.’ This one has been used a couple of times, particularly in relation to Mark Middleton and anything over 100 metres! No. 14 – To Gillian – ‘Are you pregnant or are you just putting on the beef?’ No. 15 - ‘Eyeballs out!’ Nomads are bound to hear this at least once per session, so you kind of get used to it. It’s only when a new person looks bemused and says ‘What the hell does that mean?!’ that you realise how weird a phrase it is. Literally, try so hard your eyeballs pop out! No. 16 - Similarly, ‘nail the finish.’ There seems to be a bit of a sadomasochistic streak going down?! No. 17 – What is widely considered to be the all-time classic, ‘Happy Thoughts Birdbrain’ spawned a famous Nomads t-shirt. Read the e-mail below, sent out the next day, for all the details. Thanks to Iain who kept this mail for years! (I’m sure you’ll not be surprised he’s a hoarder if you’ve ever seen his bedroom!) Last night was quite a hard set and, to make matters even worse,
Jimmy was also in 'experimental mode.' He has read somewhere that
thinking of a happy tune makes you swim faster without any more
effort. No. 18 – Immediate response upon hearing the joyful news that Audrey and Norrie were getting married, ‘Oh well, another good swimmer bites the dust.’ No. 19 - We think the next one was also directed at poor Audrey, but can’t be sure. ‘I’ve seen a sack of tatties do a better dive!’ No. 20, 21, 22, 23 and 24 - There are of course Jimmy’s habitual general instructions/catch-phrases – ‘Dolphin Kick!’ ‘Streamlining off the walls!’ etc – and the less personal insults – ‘doughballs’, ‘dickheads’, ‘morons’, etc. No. 25, - Moving on to his love of extending a theme (a small selection of variations follows) – ‘You’re swimming like there’s a piano on your back,’ ‘You’re swimming like there’s an elephant playing a piano on your back,’ ‘You’re swimming like you’re going uphill with a elephant playing a piano…. ,’ etc. And of course the slightly different ‘You look like you're delivering coal.’ No 26 – From way back in 1977 – ‘Think yourselves lucky you’ve only have one sour face to look at – I’ve got 30.’ No. 27 – A recent one from Scotstoun that some of you will remember, upon seeing the errant Davie Henderson appear on the poolside – ‘"Henderson, where've you been you demented wee dwarf!" No 28 - Also to Davie – ‘Henderson, a nose picking just overtook you on that second length.’ No. 29 – And on the same night (he must have been on form!) – ‘If I see anyone else doing a one handed-turn it will be your last, because I will chop your hands off.’ A bit harsh maybe? No. 30 – ‘What is incontinence Sam doing up there?’ – Poor Iain only popped out to the loo but maybe Jimmy knows something we don’t? Are Iain’s jeans are suspiciously padded round the bum? I am sure there are many more (and to be honest there were one or two that couldn’t be printed in a family publication!) Thanks to everyone for providing me with their happy memories. And Jimmy, we’re only kidding! Training wouldn’t be the same without you - we love you really! Anon |
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